im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
