You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
