Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
