I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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