I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
