I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
