I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
