He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
