how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
