I met the friendliest cop last night
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
