You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
The best revenge is premature balding
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
