seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
