I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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