Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize