me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
