dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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