You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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