God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Randomize
