the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize