Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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