we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
