I heard we made out
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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