Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Randomize
