Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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