Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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