1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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