Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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