I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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