He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
