The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
