i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Randomize
