no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
