After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
