We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
