Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
