Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
