Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize