Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
