I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
love makes seman taste better
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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