Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
