i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
