i would punch a child for taco bell
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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