Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
