my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
