i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Randomize
