Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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