I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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