I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
