she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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