the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
