I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
pop tarts are not kleenex
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
