Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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