My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
