I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Randomize
