you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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