I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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