Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
