what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
