I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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