At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
