dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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