you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
