im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize