allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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