My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
