Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Randomize
